EUNOIA

EUNOIA; a pure and well-balanced mind, a good spirit – “Beautiful Thinking”

In this hectic and chaotic life, we ought to have eunoia in order to live a “normal” life. But then again, what is the definition of a “normal” life? To have a perfect family? To have enough money, enough to buy a house and travel? Or simply to have a good relationship with everyone in life? Perhaps there is no normal in life because everyone have a different definition of it. But one thing for sure is that we CAN afford to have eunoia in life. We are to simply live our life and get rid of the negativity in life and to be happy with what and who we already have.

But do you realised that we cannot control what other people will do or have done to us? And that exactly is where most negativity comes from. We are not taught on how to balance our minds and not think too much about the negativity that comes. And what exactly is a good spirit? Because to some other, they fail to see that what they have been doing half their life are actually wrong and only bring negative vibes to others.

Some of us grow up not knowing how to control our feelings or where to healthily project our feelings. Like me, and probably most people out there, we tend to go to other people and rant our hearts out. But the outcome of having someone listen to your rant isn’t exactly a satisfying one. Sometimes it feels worser to let it out. Especially as we grow older, I finally learnt to stop ranting to others and instead keep most things to myself. Only when things gets too hard to control, I let it out. But even that only helps a little.

To be very honest, I have been silently battling with suicidal thoughts. I started having this mindset of wanting to kill myself just so people would actually realised that what I have been feeling are actually real. It came to a point where I would whisper to myself every night to just end my life. But I was too scared. I feared death more than I feared my mental health worsening. The people around me have no idea what I go thru, not even my closest family member or friends. They probably assumed that I am going thru what everyone else does. They take my feelings lightly. Sometimes they even ignore me when I am upset and that honestly, is the worst feeling. But I do not blame them. I admit that I am someone who overthinks a lot and I sometimes feel too much. I feel too much and have no idea how to control them so most of the times I would react negatively. And I know people hate that about me. I too, hate myself for that. And so, I was in a deep slump, not knowing where or who to go to that I was so sure I was going to be depressed and do something that I will not realise or remember doing.

But up until Ramadhan this year, I learnt to fight the whispers in my head. I realised that I haven’t been a religious person. I neglected almost all of my responsibilities as a muslimah and I forgot my purpose in this life. I then became so desperate in trying to find peace and amend my relationship with my Creator, I started buying books that would help me get rid of the negativity in life and instead to have faith in Him. I started crying to Him and have a more positive approach to life. I would say that it works 70%. Even though life continues to appear “tiring” and “hopeless” to me, I still went head on with what life would throw me.

I was and still am scared of feeling neglected. I would feel down when I realise that I am not anyone’s favourite person. But now, I do realised the answer to that is simply because I have too many flaws. And I realised that it is more important to be Allah’s favourite than to be another person’s favourite.

Although at times, I still hear the negative whispers in my head, I had learnt to fight them. Sometimes it lingers for a few days and I get really really depressed. Sometimes I do still feel hopeless and helpless. Sometimes I even go back to my suicidal thoughts. I did not change to be a new person. I am still full of flaws and negativity but thank god, it’s not as bad and I have learnt to embrace and live with them.

One of the things that I have learnt is that no one would actually check on you just because you posted some negative stuffs on social media. No one really wants to sit down and have a talk to you about life’s negativity that is present in our lives. Everyone is in fact hurting and going thru something. And they probably are used to me posting those negative stuffs. Little did they know that all I want was to be checked on…

But I learnt to be a listener nonetheless. I learnt to be someone who gives comforting words because those are the words that I want to hear. Desperate to hear sometimes even. I realised that I have always had this little wish in my heart which is to make the world a happy place and be some sort of a comfort to people in their lives. Which is why I want to become a graphic designer. I want to spread positivity and warmth to people thru my works. But how can I help people when I’m the helpless one? I realised that I have to start with fixing ME.

I also learnt to stop having hopes on people. Nothing good will come when you have expectations on people. If something or someone is meant for you, it will find its way to you. It will eventually be yours.

So back to the topic. How do we achieve eunoia in this our minds? For someone who went thru a suicidal episode, how can I achieve eunoia? My answer would be that it starts with YOU. We are the one who controls our lives, the decisions we live with, the choices we make, the approach we take. We are the ones who decides what we feel. So if something makes us happy, it is up to us to cherish it and keep doing it. And if it is something that makes us upset then it is up to us to embrace and find a healthy way to project it. The key to a well-balanced mind, in my opinion, is to have an equal amount of positivity and negativity.

And to end off this blog post, I will leave a little advise to you who has been reading this is. Always be kind to others. Always try to be the sunshine in other’s life. At least you know that you have done your part to lead a well-balanced mind and be a positive influence in people’s life.

Much love and warmth, Naz ❤

something new ?

 

Hey nonexistent readers! (no offence to you if you’re a silent reader, I’m just glad you’re here)

Anyway, today’s post nothing muchhhhh just me who wants to announce that I have officially started editing short vids! hehehe

So I hope ya’ll check out my YouTube channel: SN-FILMS https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCNxl3IAqRiTmystGztgQYHA

Currently, 2 new videos have been added while the rest are just old videos I had placed for portfolio purposes.

Check them out:

Also, while we’re at it, let me share with ya’ll my Instagram page where I share a lot of my creative design items! Follow me! @sn_graphicdesign or https://www.instagram.com/sn_graphicdesign/

Check out my design art works:

oh and btw, I actually did some diy money envelopes for raya and I’m thinking of actually doing some for upcoming festive events so do contact me if interested!

okay that’s all folks!

much love, Naz

Being Me, Is He The One?

Hey there,

I’m just here, about to share with y’all nonexistent readers about my life. Just a story of how it feels like living as me and how I came into realisation of how delusional I am as a person.

First off, let’s start off with what I currently have. I have a family, me being the middle child and only daughter. That part already sucks and you can already imagined how petty/annoying/sensitive/emotional I am as a member of the family. I love my parents so much but I fight with them a lot too. My relationship with my siblings are literally like cats and dogs. We clicked like magnets when there’s something or someone to talk about but we also fight like crazy over literally nothing. I have few friends that I cherish in life. Very very few on top of that. And as I grow older, I start to have distant friendships with these friends. But as of now, I’m more than happy with just that one good friend. I am super single and more than ready to mingle. I am hella close to my cousins, we’re literally sisters. Some other cousins aren’t that close but it’s fine. Smaller the group, lesser the drama.

Secondly, let’s talk about what everyone and me myself hate about myself. I’m super weird. I like to be by myself. I have weird sense of humour. I hate talking to people unless I am super comfortable with them. I prefer sleeping over everything else. I’m jobless as heck. I complain A LOT. I have really bad anxiety. I have super duper low self-esteem. I’m single as hell. I can be slow at certain tasks I’m appointed to. I’m scared of changes. I’m scared of everything. And many more… I’d like to continue but if I do, this post would already be 10 pages long before we even start.

Thirdly, what I want in life. I’d like to have a stable permanent job that I don’t have to drag myself to every day. Preferably something to do with designing and editing. I’d like to be more calm and neat as a person. I’d like to be able to help my parents. I’d love to love myself :’) I’d like to loose weight. I’d like to gain confidence. I’d love to have a boyfriend. To be able to meet my soulmate would be a huge blessing!

So then, we all know that everyone loves and hate their lives. 80% of the time they are the consequences of the decisions we make in life. As I reach the early twenties, I already feel like I’m lacking a lot in life as compared to others. I know I have to work with loving and knowing myself first but it’s not easy as we think. As of now, I really can’t find anything to love in myself. Too many mistakes made that were unforgivable. Too many flaws to accept or improve. And everything is just happening too fast! I can barely catch up with the whispers in my head or what my heart says.

I’m too confused with what I’m doing. Whether I am doing things right or wrong. Or if it’s okay to carry on doing some things that way. If things I think of as acceptable in this current moment will be a huge regret in the near future. And then here comes the part where I’m still single while everyone else are busy getting to know each other or making big decisions to marry their soulmate.

At first I was okay with the fact that I’m only 22 and is still single. So I settled down with having crushes and being an avid fangirl. And then now I realised how delusional and crazy all this has been. For years now, I have been having this huge crush on this guy who supposedly is my senior in secondary school. I’ve never even talked to him nor does he even know I exists in this world. And it’s been 7 freaking years. 7 years of me thinking about this guy and never having the confidence to even slide into his DMs first. Very creepy, I know but these 7 years were also the time that I have been praying hard to Allah to show me the guidance whether he is the one. And now only after 7 years, I think I finally got the answer.

It started off as him unfollowing me and “cleaning” his Instagram followers and I think he even created a whole ass new account. And then I realised I still have one last place where I can still get updated of his life, Facebook. So for about 1 good year, I still had accessed to his life updates. And then suddenly few weeks ago, I realised I wasn’t “friends” with him anymore. Till this day, I have no idea whether I accidentally “unfriended” him or he intentionally “unfriended” me for being a creep. But it didn’t stop there. I really love “checking” on people I no longer am friends with physically and virtually (online). So for that few weeks, I was happy with just that. Until about an hour ago, I found out he might already have someone special in his life. It’s still fresh and new though. I came up with the conclusion because I observed his pattern. I observed that he never had a female friend that he publicly mention.

And though I know this isn’t a legit conclusion, I’d like to think of this as a closure. It made me realised how creepy and delusional I have been for the past 7 years. Maybe it’s Allah’s way of telling me to stop this crazy act and be a normal person for once. But if he really is the one, I’m sure Allah will paved our way to meet each other somewhere in life. As of now, let’s just stick to being an avid fangirl.

Till here, Naz

Seeking Attention

Hello,

Today I came to write my feelings down. I don’t know anymore if as if today people still read my blog. But nonetheless I’d like to share my experience (like anyone would even care tbh) and my opinions on Seeking Attention on Social Media Platforms.

First thing first, I’d like to clarify and admit that I fall under that category of people who seeks attention with no shame anymore (at least a lot more on twitter than instagram) on social media. And I’m also writing this in the midst of what you call a pre-period pms where I literally feel so pissed with every single little thing. So, my opinion is of course going to be biased (as if any of my posts has always been neutral…ever) And of course, hate me all you want after reading this. I know I haven’t been the nicest person on earth but I can assure you these flaws has always been with me throughout my growth from a teen to an adult now. It’s just lucky some of you didn’t see these flaws of mine when you first met me “virtually”. Now, let me share the story of my journey as a toxic social media user.

In the very beginning, when I found out about Twitter being a platform to share your random unwanted opinions and rants, I became very excited. I wanted to be like everyone else who uses Twitter to rant about even the slightest encounter they had in life, be it positive or negative. Also like, it’s easier done since you don’t say it out loud which doesn’t require confidence since you only type it all away. For someone timid and shy like me, that really fits into my comfort zone. I started off “quietly and then over time, I got the hang of it and started really doing it for real. But still decided to be very subtle about it. I was still scared that people would judge me for being so petty towards the world. Now that I think of it, I should’ve stopped myself right there and exit from the virtual world and never set a foot there ever again. But oh well, where’s the plot if I had stopped there right?

To continue the story, I began to gain the confidence and courage to become more bold with what I want to tell the world (not like it’s a good thing tho). I started being that petty little shit who loves indirecting to people close to me without even thinking twice. And at one point, I enjoyed indirecting so so much that it had me ended up with a broken friendship that can never be fixed ever again. But even after all that, I still hadn’t learnt my lesson and continued breaking hearts and leaving scars of people close to me with all the indirecting game going on. And as evil as it sounds, I actually played the innocent guy from almost all of that indirections.

And because of this ongoing stubbornness during my I-want-to-be-angry-to-everyone-around-me-teenage-phase, I had planted a toxic trait in me unknowingly. From having a literal diary to write down my feelings, I started using Twitter as a place to vent out every ounce of my happiness, confusion, anger and tears. Used to use Facebook to do all that honestly, but it didn’t had the same impact as using Twitter. The same negative impact that at some point felt satisfying. As I harvested this toxic trait in me, I found solace in hurting people. It felt like the most fair thing to do. (Of course I had to put some blame on the puberty hormones)

Eventually, I had reached that phase in life where I almost fully became an adult. And at that point, I made a promise to myself to change a little, for the better. To start spreading love and positivity. To start lending my ears to those few precious people left around me in life. I tried distracting myself with more BTS and K-pop stuffs online. But in between, I still do it, the indirecting part. It wasn’t an easy habit to erase. I guess the turning point was when someone confronted me about it. Not just once or twice but constantly. I hated being labelled (ever in my life) so I wanted to change and prove a point, to myself especially. It was worse though.

Trying to break a habit is like telling an avid smoker to stop smoking. Or like telling me to stop shaking my legs when I have literally been doing that all my life. I wasn’t mentally stable (with all the anxiety and low self esteem) to take up the challenge. Some days I’ll tweet positive things while other days it’s just super depressing and very self critical tweets.

So this became an ongoing thing. I then started trying to seek attention on social media. This part where I am bold as heck. No shame in the picture no more. Straight out from the mind and heart. A little part of me hopes to have at least a person to check on me. I mean, I always end up sharing them all on my own eventually when I physically meet someone I trust and could confide in but I thought it would gain some attention when I boldly tweet about myself going through a life-threatening situation. I started accepting the fact that I am indeed a very depressing person full of anxiety. I wanted to confidently get over my anxiety and excessive overthinking toxic habit by letting it all out. But also wanted someone (or just anyone, really) to notice and give me a little boost of motivation to change. I didn’t know where and how I even came out with this logic but one thing I know is that, it doesn’t work.

And that’s when I realised, no one will ever care. Even if they notice. Because why? Because everyone is busy going through their very own battle that they also had to learn to settle on their own. Because everyone knows and goes through the exact same “i want the world to know i’m depressed, so help me first” shit. Everyone is just busy being selfish for their own mental and emotional health that we end up ignoring each other’s sorrows. No matter how loud one were screaming for help. And of course, I realised and admit it, that I am just as selfish as everyone else.

And in the end, we/they probably dealt/has to deal with our/their own shit on our/their own. Eventually people does right? It’s just the matter of execution. Whether it is done positively or negatively.

But that’s not just it, until today I am not ashamed to seek attention (virtually). Because I haven’t been able to physically and vocally ask for attention. Because in real life, I’d rather be abandoned and cut off mid-sentence then to voice out my feelings. And also, attention seeking online had become my way of dealing with anxiety and my constant negative thinking. But I told myself to stop expecting shit from people of course. It’s just stupid and ridiculous. And yes, I do realised this as I reflect on myself. That me too, I stood by to just watch and see my fellow loved ones drown in their sorrow and misery. Guess it’s karma guys.

And now looking back, I wish someone had taught me the proper way to let out my feelings. I wish that in schools, they had taught us how to use social media the right way and not be an annoying emotional baggage online. And lastly, I wish anyone had taught us how to properly lend a listening ear or helping hand to our troubled loved ones.

To end this off, I don’t know how long I have until I am forced to stop seeking for attention. And I have no idea how I can stop myself from this new habit. But I know one thing for sure, is that it did help with my stress and anxiety. Maybe I should take things a little slower in life? (not like things has ever been fast in my life either) Maybe I should find other platforms to replace Twitter as a place to seek attention? Or maybe just learn a little bit of self control every time I want to seek attention? I don’t know. I just have to pray tor the best, I guess.

Your number 1 Attention Seeker, Naz

Finding Myself

Hello,

I’ve been gone. I stopped writing for a while because writing became a tiring activity. Even though it’s just me typing away lol. Maybe because writing your feelings out takes out a lot of your energy. For me tho, it requires me to let it all out. Whatever that suffocates me. And that’s super exhausting.

Anyway, today I want to talk about finding myself. I have been very distant with myself for so long. I kept putting on a fake me in front of myself. I kept blaming the people around me when something bad happens when I know that I was the one to be blamed. And when I realised it, I keep on repeating to myself and to the world that it’s my fault. That I hate myself. That I’m tired of trying. That I want to disappear. I know it’s annoying to others when they read it. Especially to those who knows me. But I’m sorry, I wasn’t being myself. And I know that that shouldn’t be an excuse but bare with me. Please, at least for now.

Sometimes, I don’t understand myself. Maybe because I grew up thinking I’m the victim when it has always been me who’s at fault. Small incidents in the past, during my childhood let me into thinking I’m the victim in every situation. It became a norm for me to pick out on someone’s wrongdoing and put myself as the victim. Now that I’m in my 20s, I tell myself that I want to change.

For as long as I can remember, I have this habit of pushing away my loved ones. I’ll find something to pick out on and then use it against them. I make myself believe that I don’t need them in my life. And when they’re really gone, I’m full of regrets. No point throwing someone out of your life and then crying over them again and again over the years. But I find myself doing it again and again every damn time.

I don’t know when it all started but I knew it felt like the right thing to do. Pushing people away became a comfort. I taught myself to be this selfish. And now when I’m at my lowest and most vulnerable, I really regret it. If I could turn back the time, I would’ve gone back to when I was a child and fix myself.

But now there’s nothing I can do about it. About the lost ones. The ones long gone out of my life. If only I held it all together for just a few more, things would’ve been different now. I would’ve been a different person now. What a waste. But that’s okay I guess? Things happen for a reason they say. That was a harsh truth that I had to swallow.

Now all I’m left with are the people who are willing to stick through with me. Who knows maybe there’s only a tiny bit left in them before I blow things up and they end up leaving me for real. And I really hope I could contain myself and not blow things up.

As of now, I’m really thankful for those who stayed. And I hope I can find myself instead of staying in my comfort zone where I keep lying to myself. I’ll try to be as invisible as I can as I try to find myself. I hope I don’t hurt you all in the process. I really do.

Love, Naz

20 things by 20.

Hey Y’all! IT’S MY  B I R T H D A Y  TODAY !!!

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Since I’ve turned 20, I thought I shall do a post about the 20 things I have learned by 20.

Here we go!

20 things by 20;

  1. Love Yourself; everything. Be it your flaws, your strength, your insecurities. If not you then who?
  2. H U S N U Z O N; having a good impression of someone or something. Things are often different from what how you first see it.
  3. People Need Space. Do not be selfish dear self, always let others have their space even tho they needed space during those times that you need them. It’s okay, learn to give in. Instead, try giving yourself some space.
  4. Always pray for the good things for others; be it if they are mean or nice to you. It is worth it and doesn’t bring you any loss.
  5. K I F A R A H; same concept as KARMA; what you give you get back either it’s good or bad. It’s as simple as that.
  6. Keeping things to myself; people don’t get you sometimes but it’s okay. You have yourself to rely on. Often, we expect a different reaction from people when we share something with them but we have to understand that it’s normal.
  7. Its a bad day, not a bad life. Most importantly, when you have a bad day, never drag someone else into it.
  8. Apologize first; apologize before things get messier, apologize before its too late.
  9. P A T I E N C E; good things come to people who wait.
  10. Everyone’s opinion differs; no one thinks like you and that’s okay.
  11. Be grateful; everyone has their part of rezeki set beforehand. Whether you get them now or later, you will still have it if Allah has set it aside for you.
  12. Continue being a listener; you are strong even if no one listens to yours.
  13. Never throw your anger at people around you, especially to your loved ones. Sometimes the anger only last for a while hence it’s best to keep it to yourself.
  14. R E S P E C T; respect the elders no matter what. Also, respect the people around you.
  15. We can’t change a person; we can try to break their habit but not them.
  16. Everyone has their own battle to fight. Don’t judge too fast.
  17. You’re not worthless. Your existence matters.
  18. Learn to ignore; protect your heart and save your energy and Don’t. Fight. Back.
  19. B E  S E L F I S H; you deserve happiness too. Sometimes you have to stop trying to make others happy and make yourself happy instead.
  20. I can’t emphasize this more; love yourself.

These are just the things I want to remind myself! I want to be a better person to myself and to people around me. I don’t want to hate or be hated. I just want to live a decent life without hurting people around me. Sometimes it is impossible because we don’t think the same as others but with effort, lesser guilt it is. I LOVE EACH AND EVERY PERSON WHO HAS ENTERED MY LIFE (even those who left along the way). I’m sure every person that we meet are meant to appear in our lives to either bring happiness to our lives or to give us a meaningful life lesson. At the end of the day, what matters are the things you learn along the way. Whether you learn from your mistakes or continue making the same mistakes. You lead your own life. You are the main character in your own life story. You are the one who gets to decide whether you love your situation right now or not.

Let’s start anew in 2018.

it’s time to say goodbye to our past – RM 2017

love yourself, love myself, peace. – Suga 2017

no hate, just love.

My name is Siti Nazirah, I’m 20 and I have a lot to learn. Please take care of me.

Annyeong chingu! Have a Good Day! ❤

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Breathe.

It’s alright if you run out of breath, no one will blame you.
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes, because anyone can do so.

lee hi – breathe

Hello!

It’s been soooooo long! I’m back to share some pretty flowers with y’all hehe

FAV SHOT!!!

Anyway, these pretty flowers were taken at CCK Park on Wednesday when we went to Rasa Istimewa and bought take-away food. It was fun walking around the park for a while letting my skin absorb a good amount of Vitamin D needed.

Also, I’ve recently started bullet-journaling. Something that is very very inconsistent yet i find the joy in doing it. Having a fully made up bujo spread just puts my mind and heart at ease. I once stayed up till 2am to finish an October main spread. And of course, after following up with lots of bujo creators and designers on social media, I found this notebook company, Mossery Co and they challenged us with a list of prompts for Inktober! I’ve never came across that word but because of this, I made a little research and found myself some interesting knowledge. So then, I decided to hop on the bandwagon and challenged myself. I started with small drawing, more like scribbles for each prompts and am definitely too shy to share my works online.

While we’re at this topic, I’d like to share my little feelings here. I kinda feel really really shy and judged every time I share my drawings and the little creative things I am doing for myself. As some of y’all know, I really really love doing up diy stuffs. Literally anything. Like a small diy card to accompany a birthday gift, a farewell card, even just some random thank you cards. And with that, the love for washi tapes grew on me. I love browsing thru cheap and sometimes expensive washi tapes when I go out and shop. Sometimes I fail to stop myself and ended up buying a roll of cute washi for myself! And then recently! I started doing diy money envelopes for raya and hari raya haji, it has been really fun printing, cutting and designing my very own sampul but like you know sometimes it just doesn’t feel satisfying.

I feel judged for trying to do something I love. I’m not saying people around me, that I love, are judging me and rejecting my work. But I guess different people have different perspective in things. What I meant is that, what I might think is pretty and are of great design quality, might not be what others would agree with. The colours that I presume aesthetic and clean might not be agreeable to others. Especially when I am the only one in the family who actually learn about designing and art. Sometimes I feel like people put up high expectation on me for graduating as a media and design student. But it takes practice and lots of experience you see.

It’s just that, sometimes, I give up trying to be creative in my very own way. The recent event would be a great example. I recently got exposed to bujo-ing and of course, I want to start bujo-ing. And there are few stuffs that I need to make this bujo thing to happen. Things like the marker pens, the right notebook, the right glues and printables. And when I bought these things, I get questions. Questions that I am not ready to answer. I might have told the world thru this blog post right now that I am bujo-ing and have started bujo-ing but sometimes it is 100 times more embarrassing to tell people this face to face. And to even explain it one by one even. By telling people means letting people have expectations on you. Well, please do not expect because it takes practice to be perfect.

The thing is, I do not want to be perfect. I want to keep trying until I realized that I had went over my limitations. I no longer want to keep myself behind the line. I want to believe that there is more to what I am seen as.

To stray away from this topic, I also have been feeling this stuffy feeling over my chest lately. Not sure if these are the things I should feel as I am turning 20. I feel like turning 20 shouldn’t be a problem. I mean, there are more things to feel when I turn 21, 22, 23 right?

Ok back to the stuffy feeling over my chest. I always get this feeling when I am having some arguments with myself in my head. Sometimes the good in me wants to stay good to people but the bad in me just needs a release. Not like I have split personality but in everyone there are the good person and the bad person. Some people are just ok with letting their bad self out. And the people around them just understands them. But me, I always feel reluctant. I know, I might have been bad to some people around but it always kills me 100 times more when I think about it. I’m sure its a good thing to always feel guilty of doing something bad but seeing other people being ok and normal showing off their bad self just makes me feel weird and alienated.

Lately too, I always feel extremely heated up when I argue with people. First thing first, I really hate arguments. Especially the petty ones. The unnecessary ones.  Even arguments that are supposed to be deemed as jokes. It’s so tiring and takes up too much energy in me. Sometimes I feel like I am the only person in the argument who thinks too much and puts in too much of my emotion in it. Do people actually enjoy having arguments??? Is it that fun?? Why can’t the people in this world just live happily in a very happy-go-lucky way and just love each other and not hate each other or be jealous of each other and just forgive each other and have a more open minded thinking ??? It frustrates me because I am so sensitive I always think that in every argument, I am the problem. I am the one who’s causing the unnecessary trouble. And that of course, I would apologize first.

But what hurts more is when I apologize and get a ‘you think too much’ reply. Or ‘oh, there’s nothing to be sorry for’. idk it just makes me 10000 times more hopeless because apparently saying sorry first doesn’t change anything. Well maybe that is the harsh reality but please please please accept my apologies because it means so damn much to me.

ok…

after writing so much and ‘breathing’ properly, I finally think it’s time to end this post.

I hoped I hadn’t hurt anyone in the process of ‘breathing’. I’m sorry if I do, I really am. I just want the world to be a pleasant place. Let’s not fight and spread more love.

To you who reads this, I want you to know that you’re beautiful and precious and fabulous. Love the people around you and love yourself.

Arrivederci~

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Drawing the line.

Can anything be funny, or are some things off limits?

So, in today’s entry of 365 Days of Writing Prompts, I chose the topic under the date 13 August. (although it’s already 14…) Looking at the title, it actually reminds me of the song by Royal Pirates – Drawing the line. It’s a great song! Do check it out. Or you can listen to the English Version hehe.

So anyway, this title somewhat drew me in because I could somewhat relate to it. Yes, I am someone who is easily amused and I laugh at literally anything and everything people say. My best and easiest way of showing someone that I acknowledge whatever they say is to laugh. I might not know the right words to say but I feel like by laughing, I somewhat had initiated a reply. (but most of the times my laugh is genuine) (but still, you never know)

To answer the question above, I do agree that anything can be funny. It all depends on who you made that joke to or who you are conversing with. Imagine laughing at something so embarrassing about someone to that person’s closest friend. Isn’t that just you digging your own grave?? What I meant is, yes, things can be funny IF it is brought up at the right situation and context.

However, there is limit to everything. There are just some things you feel funny to yourself but NOT to others. You have to understand this one simple theory; everyone have rights to their own opinions and they are free to have one. The theory might be simple but I always find myself battling over this all by myself.

Many times I feel annoyed and angry at one’s opinion. I would try to fight against them and try to prove them that my opinions are what should be their opinions too. Often I find myself feeling so pissed off over one’s opinion just because I cannot relate to it or have the exact opposite opinion. But I always always regret it when I start initiating all this “my opinion is right” argument. I forgot that I believe in this theory. Over time, I would repeat this in my head, “It’s their opinion, just leave them. You have yours too and that’s okay.” The world is fair. (and that, is my opinion)

BUT. To draw the line?

When someone goes too far and you feel uncomfortable about it. When people think that some things you thought isn’t funny but IS FUNNY to them. Not just about funny. It can be things that you thought isn’t nice but IS NICE to them. Things that isn’t fun to you but IS FUN to them. Things that you don’t enjoy but THEY DO ENJOY it. It’s frustrating sometimes, having to deal with it more than once. Yes, you can deal with this once, twice but several times? I think not.

But to draw the line? Can we?

Maybe to some of you, you can stand up for yourselves and say “No, this is not funny anymore.” OR even at the first time it happened, you clearly showed that this shouldn’t be taken lightly. But to me, who is a coward, my timid self cannot afford to hurt others. I always find it hard expressing myself to others. Even to those I am close to, I always keep this little feeling to myself. To sacrifice your happiness for your loved ones: it’s something I always hold onto.

It’s easy for people to say that, easy for people to believe in it but it’s not as easy as you think you did. And that’s why I always keep that little feeling to myself. Something that no one in the world know how I actually feel. And I really mean this. If you think you know me well, you don’t. I might be happy, proud, excited, sad, heartbroken, depressed, you will never know.

BACK TO THE TOPIC.

Yes, drawing the line is what you can do to stop someone from hurting yourself (if you’re not like me cause I’d rather be hurt) (for my loved ones of course). Tell them, “No, I do not like this” “I do not think this is funny”. Little things like this wouldn’t break the relationship or friendship would it? And of course, some people in this world just do not know what are limits. They go on and on like the people around them do not have feelings and just comes off as a rude person.

So at the end of the day, what I am trying to say is. Please please please look around you and know that everyone has feelings that you need to respect as a decent human being. And remember this list of things that would be off limit when it comes to joking: death, past scars, mental illness, health issues, weaknesses, insecurities and bad memories. For other things like: embarrassing past experiences, body features and many others, it’s up to you to decide whether it could be a joke that would be taken into the heart seriously or not.

What’s important is that you get to know the people around you. Stop being selfish and try learning about the traits that are present in a person. Be it close to you or not, it doesn’t hurt to try.

All in all, it’s up to you think anything. This, is my opinion.

*shrugs shoulders*

*walks off in a fashionable way*

OK JOKES ASIDE!!! I just want to make the world a better place by sharing my little opinion hehehe!!

Don’t take things to the heart, don’t hate me, don’t drink and drive, don’t take drugs!

LOVE U ALL ❤

Arrivederci~

OH BEFORE I END THIS!!!

Here’s something I would like to share, I’ve been really hooked onto this K-Drama: The Best Hit. The drama is starring Yoon Si Yoon, Kim Min Jae (oppa), Cha Tae Hyun, Lee Se Young and TAEYANG’S BROTHER!!! There are of course more cast but this few are the main hehe!

And yes, a little about the story is that it goes back to 1994 where a famous idol, Hyun Jae (Yoon Si Yoon)  from the group J2 went missing. It flashes forward to 2017 and they are all living their lives EXCEPT Hyun Jae appeared in 2017 after falling from a flight of stairs and missed everything that happened in between.

It is somewhat a time travel drama but it’s kind of heartwarming since it’s all about living moderately, having a moderate job while the family struggles with trying to maintain the only property and home they had. And everyone is struggling with themselves, their wants and needs but they have to put the family first. (it’s so relatable omg) And like they are always broke and trying to make ends meet. (omg so so retable except I don’t even try wth) But it’s really funny and I just love how the three main guys are the ones I like hehehehe

Oh and there’s Cha Eun Woo from Astro! (in case you’re a fan, this is a plus point hehe)

Ok that’s all for now! (really) Till next time!

Arrivederci~

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